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3 years later and I still blame myself. 3 Years later and I still feel like I don’t matter and that I’m unworthy. 3 years later I’m still having nightmares. 3 years later I still miss my old self and body. These thoughts and feelings are what led me to attempt suicide almost 1 year ago. I still have suicidal thoughts, but they are passive, meaning I have no plan of action. In my “right” mind, I understand that these thoughts are illogical. I realize this man was a monster and it was in no way my fault, but when I’m in a depressive state all of it makes perfect sense to me.

As you could guess, in June, it will have been 3 years since I was sexually assaulted. I have been thinking a lot about it lately and it has brought me into a spiraling depression. Which for me means sleep and not wanting to do anything.

Every single day for me is a struggle. I am always exhausted. No matter how much sleep I get, I wake up and feel like I haven’t slept at all. My eating habits are still out of control. All I want to do is eat junk food and then feel bad about myself after I eat it. I’m having a really hard time trying to lose weight. I have no energy to go to the gym and workout. I told someone the other day I’m not on the struggle bus, I’m on the struggle cruise ship.

Even though I have all these feelings/thoughts and I still struggle every day, I am still working to get better. I still see my therapist 3-4 times per month and I still see a psychiatrist to prescribe my medication and I still take my medication. I also have recently been going to the Chiropractor and am taking supplements to try to help my overall health.

My therapist suggested to me that I need to talk about these things instead of keeping them in and distracting myself, so here I am talking about it, even though I don’t want to. Sometimes you just have to do hard things you don’t want to do. I guess that’s life. So, if you see me, ask me how I’m doing. If I say “good”, call me out, because I’m probably not.